In all my years as an explorer of the WILDERNESSES and the ANIMALS that inhabit these WILDERNESSES, I have never come upon a beast more difficult to wrangle than the elusive introduction. I have lain awake at night, clutching to my chest my riding crop, trying to summon the muses to inspire me to write a thrilling introduction to an entertaining and educational book. Should I tease the reader with snippets of the vast expanse of knowledge to come? Should I tease the reader with a taste of a tale of one of my explorations and captures? I have not slept for nigh on three nights, yet I am no closer to knowing how to properly introduce you to this book.
Perhaps I’ll begin by listing all the tools you will need to follow in my large footsteps:
First and foremost, you will need a pith helmet. It protects you from falling coconuts and tree-leaping wolverines.
Secondly, you will need a machete, to clear brush from your path and to kill things, should the need arise (which it will). I cannot count on my fingers the number of times I have had to use my machete for self-defense, because it has been ten times, and I lost my left index finger in a machete-related accident.
Thirdly, you will need appropriate clothing. Clothing that will stand up to the muck and grime and rain and venom of the thickest jungles, deepest caves and murkiest waters. My clothing is made of the toughest leather that can be found in Australia, made from cows that were incredibly difficult to kill. I know because I killed them personally.
Fourthly, you will need flashlights, granola bars, spatulas, tin whistles, chicken wire, a whip, a jar of peanut butter, a riding crop, a cellular telephone, a Gideon Bible, various prescription drugs, sunscreen and a jar of Africanized killer bees, for obvious reasons.
Fifthly, you will need courage, stamina, fortitude, the drive to succeed, a British accent and this book. Yes, this very book you now hold in your suspiciously well-manicured hands. This very book, titled EZRA JAMES HOUNDSTOOTH-CLARK’S FIELD GUIDE TO ANIMALS of the WILDERNESS. Where there is a WILDERNESS, there shall also be ANIMALS, and this is the only book that will adequately prepare you for them. It should be with you at all times. It shall be your steadfast companion, even as your Sherpas die of malaria and scurvy all around you.
If you follow all my guidelines, suggestions, rules and murmurings, I guarantee that this book will save your life at least once, despite its murky origins and swirling rumours about my penchant for shoplifting, allegations regarding my pathological lying and the related dubiousness of my claim to have been educated at Oxford.
Explore this world, for it is grand!
Ezra James Houndstooth-Clark III
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