Ezra James Houndstooth-Clark’s Field Guide to ANIMALS of the WILDERNESS

In all my years as an explorer of the WILDERNESSES and the ANIMALS that inhabit these WILDERNESSES, I have never come upon a beast more difficult to wrangle than the elusive introduction. I have lain awake at night, clutching to my chest my riding crop, trying to summon the muses to inspire me to write a thrilling introduction to an entertaining and educational book. Should I tease the reader with snippets of the vast expanse of knowledge to come? Should I tease the reader with a taste of a tale of one of my explorations and captures? I have not slept for nigh on three nights, yet I am no closer to knowing how to properly introduce you to this book. 


Perhaps I’ll begin by listing all the tools you will need to follow in my large footsteps:

First and foremost, you will need a pith helmet. It protects you from falling coconuts and tree-leaping wolverines.

Secondly, you will need a machete, to clear brush from your path and to kill things, should the need arise (which it will). I cannot count on my fingers the number of times I have had to use my machete for self-defense, because it has been ten times, and I lost my left index finger in a machete-related accident.

Thirdly, you will need appropriate clothing. Clothing that will stand up to the muck and grime and rain and venom of the thickest jungles, deepest caves and murkiest waters. My clothing is made of the toughest leather that can be found in Australia, made from cows that were incredibly difficult to kill. I know because I killed them personally.

Fourthly, you will need flashlights, granola bars, spatulas, tin whistles, chicken wire, a whip, a jar of peanut butter, a riding crop, a cellular telephone, a Gideon Bible, various prescription drugs, sunscreen and a jar of Africanized killer bees, for obvious reasons.

Fifthly, you will need courage, stamina, fortitude, the drive to succeed, a British accent and this book. Yes, this very book you now hold in your suspiciously well-manicured hands. This very book, titled EZRA JAMES HOUNDSTOOTH-CLARK’S FIELD GUIDE TO ANIMALS of the WILDERNESS. Where there is a WILDERNESS, there shall also be ANIMALS, and this is the only book that will adequately prepare you for them. It should be with you at all times. It shall be your steadfast companion, even as your Sherpas die of malaria and scurvy all around you.

If you follow all my guidelines, suggestions, rules and murmurings, I guarantee that this book will save your life at least once, despite its murky origins and swirling rumours about my penchant for shoplifting, allegations regarding my pathological lying and the related dubiousness of my claim to have been educated at Oxford.

Explore this world, for it is grand!

Ezra James Houndstooth-Clark III

THE STAR-NOSED MOLE

The star-nosed mole is so-called because of its most terrifying attribute – a nose that is made up entirely of horrible red tentacles that thrash and twist like the snakes of Hell. Scientists agree that the mole is too terrifying to ever properly research and thus the exact purpose of these wretched tentacles has never been understood.

The mole’s second most terrifying attribute would be its claws, which are sharp like knives and ideal for skinning puppies alive. However, the mole does not kill for sustenance, only for fun and practice. It eats no meat, subsisting entirely on a diet of peanut butter, which it produces in hives, much like bees produce honey. 

HOW TO TRAP ONE: Jesus God, why would you even try? If you insist upon tempting the fates and attempting to trap one of these godless creatures, do not look at the mole’s tentacles directly, as this will only raise its ire. 

To find a star-nosed mole hive, simply follow the trail of skinless puppies until you reach a cave. The hives are always in caves. Enter the cave and walk until you see a large brown dome. This is the hive. Coat a stick in peanut butter and insert the stick into a declivity in the base of the hive. If you feel a tug on your stick, this means that a mole has latched on. Tug with all your might. From here, you are on your own.

THE DUCK

Ducks eat other ducks.

THE OTTER

The otter is among the most intelligent and curious creatures in the animal kingdom. It is one of the few semi-aquatic mammals to wear tweed, and has a tremendous aptitude for mathematics and finance. 

A fascinating symbiotic relationship exists between platypuses and otters, wherein the platypus will catch food for the otter and the otter will do the platypus’ taxes. Very few such relationships exist in the animal kingdom, as very few animals practice chartered accountancy. 

HOW TO TRAP ONE: The otter, being incredibly intelligent, will not fall for the typical ruses reserved for stupid animals such as the tuna-fish and the horseshoe-crab. The otter must first be distracted by logic puzzles and word games.

Alternatively, exploit the otter’s notoriously low self-esteem. Subtly, putting the otter down will cause it to weep. Once blinded by foolish tears, it can be carefully lifted by the tail and placed into an enclosure. 

Once the otter is safely stowed away in a small box or “cube,” you are free to taunt and bully the small animal to your heart’s content.

THE FERRET

The ferret is an adorable, fuzzy, tubular piranha with legs. They were bred by the Soviets during the Cold War, for the purposes of unleashing them on American soil. The ferrets were engineered to be adorable, so as not to draw suspicion. However, the ferrets turned on their makers and that is why the Soviets lost the Cold War. 

Nowadays, the ferret is tranquil and poses no threat to you, although it will kill you the very moment you give it the chance so do not give it the chance. 

HOW TO TRAP ONE: The only circumstances under which you should attempt to trap a ferret is if you have an infestation in your walls and must take one of the ferrets hostage in order to compel the rest of the colony to move on. 

Firstly, go to your local butcher shop and purchase a pound of whale blubber. Secondly, place the blubber on the floor in your living room and stand over it, motionless, with a blunt object in your hands. Thirdly, wait in this position for four to seven hours. The ferret will come. Fourthly, when the ferret does venture toward the blubber, bean it over the head with your blunt object. You may need to hit it a few times before rendering it unconscious. Lastly, write a note to the rest of the colony, threatening the life of the ferret if they don’t leave. Mean what you write. They can tell if you don’t mean it.

THE GIANT SQUID

The giant squid cannot be stopped.

OTHER ANIMALS IN THIS BOOK:

THE VAMPIRE SQUID FROM HELL

THE SQUARE-HEAD NIGHTMARE FOX 

THE LEOPARD SEAL

THE TUNA-FISH

THE HORSESHOE-CRAB

THE CAMEL-LEOPARD

THE CHICKEN

THE FLIGHTLESS PENGUIN

THE SMALL RODENT

THE GARDEN SLUG

THE MONKEY