THE CURIO CABINET

THE CURIO CABINET - GIRAFFES

For my second Curio Cabinet column, I spoke to Mona Keith, the senior keeper in the giraffe section at the Calgary Zoo. The interview went for an hour. It was good times!

My column sets out to prove that giraffes are awesome.

Here it is:

What sound does a giraffe make?

Do you have any idea?

Mona Keith has been taking care of giraffes at the Calgary Zoo for almost 20 years, and in that time, she says she’s only heard a giraffe make a sound maybe half a dozen times.

Giraffes are quiet, cautious animals. They rarely use their vocal cords.

Keith has heard baby giraffes make sounds – cow-like yawps – when they’re distressed, but she’s only heard an adult giraffe make a sound once.

She and some other keepers had separated a mother giraffe from her calf, so they could adjust some straps the baby giraffe was wearing to strengthen its weak shoulders.

Generally, the keepers don’t let the mother giraffe watch, and so a solid door keeps the mother giraffe and the calf separate.

But this time, some hay kept the door from closing properly, and the mother giraffe got curious.

“She just happened to peek, and she saw us with her calf,” Keith says. “I thought the roof was going to come off. The sound she made was incredible. It was just a roaring bellow. It was an amazing sound.”

I have to interject here.

I am so bitterly envious of Mona Keith the giraffe keeper. She gets to hang out with giraffes every single day.

Giraffes are awesome. I love them.

Over the years, my friends have given me a lot of giraffe-themed presents like T-shirts, books, finger puppets, and one particular favourite: a painted wooden giraffe sitting in a chair.

But I still don’t have a giraffe proper. (I consider this a failure on the part of my friends and loved ones.)

Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, female giraffes ovulate every two weeks. The male giraffes test for this daily by tasting the females’ urine.

Keith says if a female is ovulating, a male will “push his chest up against their rump, he’ll rub their back leg with his front leg. You know, he’s very nice to them because he wants them to stand still for him so he can mount them and breed them.”

You can imagine my reaction: So many baby giraffes! They must not have room for them all. But giraffe gestation is about 15 months and it turns out they make birth control pharmaceuticals for giraffes.

And Keith says, “We don’t give our babies away just to anybody. It has to be an accredited facility.”

Dammit.

Anyhow, the point is that giraffes are better than ducks. No, you didn’t miss a paragraph.

Ducks engage in a lot of reprehensible behaviour. Rape is a normal reproductive strategy for male ducks. Female ducks have evolved convoluted genitals like puzzles to keep the male ducks guessing. That’s how rampant the aberrant behaviour is.

Dutch researcher Kees Moeliker released a paper in 2001 exploring a case of mallard necrophilia.

Giraffes, on the other hand, have a period of courtship, with the chest bumping and the leg rubbing. And if the female giraffe is adequately charmed, she’ll stand still and splay her back legs.

It’s downright romantic. How civilized and pleasant they are.

Giraffes are just all-around better citizens than ducks.

“They’re very content animals,” Keith says.

They just want food, space and some company.

I can provide all three. Someone please accredit my facility and send some giraffes my way.